


get yourself a man (a man who can do both)

by PersonyPepper



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bisexual Disaster Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Feel-good, Fireman Geralt, Gen, Himbo Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Humor, Humorous Ending, Jaskier has the braincell, M/M, Pre-Slash, Surprise! - Freeform, that makes me sad :(( a moment of silence for the lack of fireman geralt content pls, why isn't that a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:48:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25323391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PersonyPepper/pseuds/PersonyPepper
Summary: Meditate, Geralt’d said, it’s good for your health, he’d said.But oh no, no, no. Jaskier can’t fucking stand it.Alas, Jaskier wasn’t raised to be no bitch (that and Geralt had bet him that he wouldn’t be able to last more than ten minutes, smirking from where the bastard was knelt calmly on the floor, fists resting on his thighs in the perfect image of peace).His roommate might be an incredibly sexy fireman but he’s an incredibly fiery dick.Or, Geralt bets Jask can't meditate for ten minutes, only to have their apartment burn down by the end of the fiasco.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 14
Kudos: 149





	get yourself a man (a man who can do both)

_“Calm. Breath in… breathe out. Let your mind wander, reflect on your day, intricacies you’ve missed in the bustle.”_

Jaskier feels his eye twitch as the voice drones on, jaw clenching as he tries to relax.

_Meditate_ , Geralt’d said, _it’s good for your health,_ he’d said.

But oh no, no, _no_. Jaskier can’t fucking stand it.

Alas, Jaskier wasn’t raised to be no bitch (that and Geralt had bet him that he wouldn’t be able to last more than ten minutes, smirking from where the bastard was knelt calmly on the floor, fists resting on his thighs in the perfect image of peace).

His roommate might be an incredibly sexy fireman but he’s an incredibly fiery _dick_.

And Jaskier’s going to prove him wrong. He peeps an eye open, looking at his timer— barely two minutes have passed and he wants to rip his hair out— but Geralt’s outside in their living room, _waiting_ for him to fail and no, _nope_.

Jaskier _refuses_ to give up.

Besides, his Chocoramos are on the line. Geralt fucking hates them, and how he can hate wonderfully soft vanilla cake coated in chocolate is beyond Jaskier’s comprehension.

Evidently, Geralt also hates Jaskier’s happiness, for if he fails, his flatmate’s choosing his meals for the week, fucking _salads_ or some shits shit, probably. Or worse, fucking _Gansito_ , he knows the stash of jelly and cream filled monstrosities Geralt hides under his bed for his cheat days, the goblin. 

And of course, if Jaskiser manages the ten minutes— he grins gleefully, eyes still closed— if Jaskier _wins_ , he gets to take Geralt to the cheesecake factory, order meals fit for kings (ignoring that he’ll probably have to skip a meal or two everyday for the rest of the week— that place is godsdamned expensive).

_“Breathe in… feel the ball of light work through you, from the crown of your head… to your fingertips… to your—”_

He wonders how much these people are paid just for talking _so. fucking. slowly._ Shame he can’t do that, it must be a prettier penny than working as a barista and small-time musician.

_“—And breathe out… ”_

The exhale is more of a sigh, a groan just barely held back in his throat as he slumps and stares at the ceiling, wondering if Melitele would be so kind and strike him down with a freak bolt of lightning. 

Mh, maybe he’s just bored because there’s nothing to do, maybe some stimulus would help calm his restlessness. He’s careful as he lights the incense, the lighter’s hot in his hand as he waits for it to catch flame and _ah_.

Oh, that’s lovely. He makes note to send Yenn thanks when he sees her next because _Gods_ , it’s _heavenly_ , a scent of rose and sandalwood. He takes a deep breath in with time to the droning voice—

“Jaskier?” Jask snaps his eyes shut, forcing his breathing to slow because no way in _hell_ is he going to fall for Geralt’s trap.

“Jaskier! What’s that smell?” He can almost hear panic in the man’s voice, but he knows first hand how much of a good actor he can be _(see: when he’d convinced Jaskier that he hadn’t gotten them a cat by pretending not to see said cat lounging on his lap)._

Ten fucking minutes, he can do this, even through Geralt’s attempts at distracting him.

The door shudders as Geralt… throws himself against it?

Okay, what the fuck but he keeps his mouth shut and breathes in again, following the mediation playing from his phone.

_“Take a deep breath in, feel the light spread through you, leave you warm… and safe. Breathe out and—”_

He flinches as the door cracks, hinges squeaking as the door slams against the wall, door frame splintering with the force. Geralt’s eyes are wide, looks ridiculously like a worried pup as he looks around, lips parted in— ah, now’s not really the time to be thinking about how pretty his flatmate is, is it? Especially not with the door hanging like that; Jaskier feels a bit sorry for it.

“What’s burning, _fuck_ — we have to go.” Jaskier’s unceremoniously lifted into a fireman’s carry, second nature to Geralt as the poor musician finds thick muscles holding him in place, his body thrown up and down as Geralt runs for their front door effortlessly.

Honestly, _what is happening._

“Geralt?” He’s hustled down the stairs, dick pressed against the man’s shoulder, crushed as each of Geralt’s half-run throws him up and down and Jaskier— Jaskier’s entirely too calm about this, actually.

Huh, maybe meditation does work after all.

The man doesn’t stop, not till they’re on the sidewalk outside, Geralt barely having broken a sweat despite carrying a grown man on his shoulders and once again— _what_.

“Geralt, what the absolute fuck, this is cheating, I hope you know, I was nearly at ten minutes,” he hadn’t even been _close_ , “ and you just fucking—”

“Did you not smell the smoke? The fire extinguisher’ even in _your room_ after the last time you caught the curtains on fire, Jaskier! You shovel so much shit into my life, I don’t even know why _I live with you.”_

Oh, no fucking _way. Really_? He’s fucking paying Yenn when he sees her because _fuck_ , Jaskier’s going to use this to blackmail Geralt for as long as they’re alive.

“You’ve got to be kidding.” It’s hard to hold in the giggles, and soon, he’s leant against a lamppost, shaking as he holds his stomach, Geralt’s back to him as the man’s hair whips in the chilly evening breeze, entirely annoyed as he calls the fire department, probably.

“You _dumb bastard_ ,” he starts, eyes shining with tears of laughter as Geralt turns to him, fucking snarling as he stalks closer, phone shoved into his pockets moments ago. “That wasn’t smoke, I was lighting incense, Melitele help me, Geralt, I—” the expression on Geralt’s face, shock and confusion transforming into sheepishness as his flushes with embarrassment only forces Jaskier into laughing harder, throat sore by the time he calms.

“Alright, call off your firemen, sure I’m mourning the loss of muscle, sexy men but I’ve seen you in uniform and those lovely heroes have better things to do—”

The fire alarm blares in their apartment complex, Jaskier and Geralt staring at it with parted lips as people file out, looking just as confused as they feel.

“Um, you didn’t possibly, just maybe, knock over my incense when you knocked the door down… right Geralt?”

Oh, Geralt’s going to fucking pay for this.

**Author's Note:**

> Title inspired by the fact that Geralt's a highly competent fireman but an absolute Himbo. Written for a prompt fill on tumblr! 
> 
> Let me know what you thought! Comments let me know that you're enjoying my work <33  
> [Come say hi on tumblr (@persony-pepper)!](https://persony-pepper.tumblr.com)


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